livinganonymously

ok so i’m not gonna say i never talk about someone behind their back because i do all the time but i only do it with a few close friends and we don’t tell anybody else, and we only talk about the facts. but i NEVER NEVER start anything EVER. i did speculate on a couple i know and i noticed that they weren’t talking n such and all i thought was that they were having marriage problems, and the only person i told was my best friend, and it turns out they are having marriage problems.

so tonight a man let’s call him dick, basically accused for starting a rumor that i never started. and he’s kind of firm n harsh n when i’m confronted harshly i tend to get scarred not like crying, but i get really nervous and i couldn’t breathe and shaking and blanking out.

so he says i started a rumor about something i heard this morning and i didn’t even know what he was talking about because i like to know all the facts call me crazy, but i’d like to know who told you and when. but i said i didn’t say anything to anyone and he didn’t believe me! grrrrr

i did find out some more actual facts from my friend. a part of me doesn’t want to go through that ever again but a part of me wonder’s of it’s over, and would like to go back and clear the air.

Id cheat destiny just to be near you

Maybe if I screw up my life bad enough you’ll come be a part of it again.

I need you back in my life

I refuse to go back and read old emails from you. Refuse. It’s just torturing myself.

Sparky,

I can’t sleep. No surprises there, right. I miss you. I scanned in stuff from when you went for surgery, my permanent marker vent. I don’t know if I really should send it. It’s nothing you haven’t hears before, what’s the point. Also you know I went insane when you left, so the rambling and scribbles wouldn’t come as a surprise. I don’t know.

Honestly, I want to yell at you, hug you, and cry all at the same time. I had a huge knot in my chest the past couple days. I’m avoiding music. It just makes it worse. Sleeping during the day seems to be the best thing. I think of you with me etc, and I relax. I can’t think about you being gone if I’m asleep. I can go blank. If you dont count dreams, which i havent had, yet. If sleeping gets harder I’ll start doubling up on my allergy pills. They make me sleepy anyway. Tonight is different. I’m waiting for you. It’s like I said, hope is hard to kill. It’s only been 3 days. It seems like much longer. I can’t sleep tomorrow. Class. If there’s one thing you’d want for me it’d be to not flunk out of college. You believe in me. You’re actually proud of me. So I’ll go in there and categorize the heck out of those conifers, among other things. I haven’t made up my mind about telling C. About all this. Tomorrow will be a long day, I can assure you. It will probably be a no makeup plus a hoodie day. I don’t really care what I look like right now. The only reason I started making an effort anyway is because I had started thinking about all that stuff you said, and you were right about. Also I wanted to be better for you. Make you proud, all that.

You know, I think it would be a lot easier to just hate you, blame you for everything, make myself a victim, hate you in general, for everything.I could but it’d just be a wall to protect me from you, from my feelings towards you, from hurting. I can’t do that.

I want to see you someday. It doesn’t matter how long it takes. I’m not giving up on that. I’m not going to forget you. I couldn’t if I tried. I have too many memories. You impacted my life too much. You’re a part of me. Deal with it. You’re stuck with me forever. I told you that before. I wasn’t joking. I’ll be here for you. I love you.

Please have a good day at work. I’m sure you’d get much more positive reactions from people when you go around the office if you had a fancy unique cup, I’m tellin ya. Take care of yourself. Get better. Just think of me around you acting all mother henish/ mom. Haha. I’m being serious though. I need you to get better, alright. Other people need you too. Be happy, Sparky. Above everything find your happiness and peace.

Goodnight Sparky.

Ms. A

I miss you. Ill be ok. Don’t worry about me. I think about you constantly. You’re everywhere. But that doesn’t effect your life anymore. You’re gone. This time I think it’s for good, though part of me is hopeful that it’s not. That I’ll have an email along about midnight from you, making me laugh or something. Or saying stop this. Hope is very hard to kill.

I miss you so much. I know why you has to go. It’s probably for the best but right now, it really doesn’t feel like it. It’s final this time. I don’t think that’s quite sunk in. You’re not coming back. It’s not just for the weekend. I don’t know what in going to do because now you’re gone, and I can’t talk to you about everything on my life. You were the only one I did that with. I’m pretty sure you know everything there is to know about me. You could always make me smile, even if I was angry with you or just feeling bad. You made me feel special, now that you’re gone… No one can take your place. How am I going to go knowing that for the first time in 5 years you really don’t have my back. You really won’t be there this time; not to encourage me when I feel down, give advise, tell me the truth,make me smile and laugh. You’re just in my head and in my heart. Last night I cried. I’m sorry. I think kitty was worried about me because she kept trying to rub on my head. She ended up sleeping like right beside my head halfway on my pillow. Pathetic right. I know. I finally fell asleep after 5am. I tried to pretend you were there with me, telling me it was going to be ok, pretending I was in your arms. I know it’s crazy right, but at least that’s one thing I’m consistent with. I’m sorry for all the crap you had to sit through, and all the TMI. ha. I’m sorry for everything. But I’ll never regret you. I won’t forget you. I love you. I miss you. I need you. Please come back.

-Ms. Anon

I’ve been thinking alot about you lately. like i never do right? ha

I thought alot about before. Things that I forgot, things that I blocked out and didnt want to remember.

I liked us back then.

Yes us. haha.

I miss you. I miss that. And yeah, I’m over that. but it doesnt really make me miss it or you any less.

Tash was the closest thing to me.

And you’re defintely still Sparky. Even though I blocked that you out. It hurt alot. It still does, but I can face it now. That doesn’t have to stay forgotten, you know?

I know im a crazy person. haha.

I wish I got to go on real dates with you.

Even though I’m pretty sure I’d feel like I didn’t belong there. Not because of you. You accepted me back then. I’m just not sure if I’d ever fit in your world. Our backgrounds are SO different. and I’m not very refined or anything. S is much much much better. ha. She fits.   :)

Gosh I was so blinded by what I felt for you. It was the strongest feelings I’ve ever had for anyone else in this lifetime. Period. and my brain definitely shut off. All I knew was that I wanted you, and wanted to be everything for you. I loved you and how you made me feel. I still do. ha. but its ok u know.

Sorry. I’m just feeling right now.

-Ms. Anonymous